In brief...

I'm a Nature-lover, aspiring conservationist, and wannabe traveller in search of outdoor adventure.
My interests vary from conservation to education to heritage to Nature (biodiversity & wildlife) to outdoor activities to life in general.
They occupy most of my waking moment.
Do read my blogs, follow me on Twitter (@jocelynesze) and friend me on Facebook (subject to my discretion). Visit my Nature blog, Nature Rambles, at http://natureramble.wordpress.com.

UPDATE 2 Apr 2017 - This site is no longer maintained, please visit jocelynesze.wordpress.com if you're interested in more recent writing.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

after two separate rounds of interview, i suddenly realised i dont really know what i want to do in the future. maybe this comes as a surprise to people who always thought i always knew what i wanted in life. and i guess maybe i used to think i knew too. but i guess, the fact is i dont know what i'll be happy doing. what i'll enjoy doing, especially in a place like singapore. i can think of many things that i could do, that i dont mind doing. but for that to be my career? i dont know if that's what i really expected to be doing.

it feels as though happiness is so elusive, and i wont be able to get it. though i suppose, happiness is what you define it to be.

what if i were to do something like outdoor education instead? adventure, leadership, outdoorsy stuff. i see people doing these stuff, they seem relatively happy. i know i'd love to do that. but well.




and again, after these interviews, i wonder. do i really want to be a scholar? the expectations, and more importantly, the job scope. and anyway, it's so damn hard to get a scholarship. though i suppose a scholarship may be the only way to getting an overseas education. either that, or years of debt. and i feel like i wont be able to pay it off.


if it's really because i want to take my gap year, that i dont get my scholarship, would i still want to go overseas to study, on my parents' money? i feel bad.




suddenly, i feel like. what are dreams and aspirations? in the end, they may all come to naught.


21 Guns - Green Day
Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I






dont mind the angst. i suspect it's a seasonal thing.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

i'm officially moving house next week, but my mom wants to start bringing things over tomorrow. and naturally, i didnt do anything until the very last minute. so i just started packing my things, whatever that i dont need but want to bring over.

and again naturally, when you pack things, you unearth hidden treasures from long ago.
i unearthed notes that i wrote when i knew i was going to move house some 6 years ago. drew out my room floor plan, where i'd put all my things etc.
i unearthed my childhood toys that i packed neatly in a corner of my cupboard when i moved in. and of course, i hadnt touched them in the years since i moved in. now i'm just gonna move them back to a corner in my newly renovated room.
i unearthed my notes and souvenirs and gifts from eons ago. rg had a very strong culture of writing notes and letters. it's something that i tried to sustain in jc, but it's just different. i enjoy receiving notes; honestly, a birthday card would make me much happier than any birthday present. but wells, after rg, the whole letter-writing thing didnt really carry on. but in any case, i had packed my notes/souvenirs into ziploc bags. i look at these once in a while. like i said, i enjoy receiving notes. i would, once in a very blue moon, take out some letters to read. it makes me happy.


but really, what struck me as i was trying my best to pack when my eyes were half closing and i was sneezing due to the dust, was that many of the notes i have or wrote with, the neoprint photos i took with friends, many of them contain empty promises. things like (whatever group that is) rocks, or is awesome, or that we'll stay friends forever, will keep in contact etc. not intentional empty promises. i'm sure at that point in time, i honestly truly thought we would stay close friends, if not just friends. and unfortunately, now most of the these people are my barely-even-talking-to-them friends. people i say hi and bye to, but dont really talk much else. and looking back now, most of it is my fault, i know. i think i never really bothered. i guess at that point i thought that friends would just keep together, without much effort. of course now i realise the amount of effort put into meeting even just once. and the amount of effort i need to put into keeping a friendship alive.

honestly, i would like to revive those friendships. and i would, but i scarcely have the energy to. okay fine, maybe that is just an excuse. i need to have more guts.




What Are Words - Chris Medina

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see
How every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they're done
When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud, those words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent
Just from me and now know I'm meant
To be where I am and I'm gonna be
Standing right beside her tonight
And I'm gonna be by your side
I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words
If you really don't mean them
When you say them
What are words
If they're only for good times
Then they're done

When it's love
Yeah, you say them out loud, those words
They never go away
They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near
Anywhere you go, I'll be there
And I'm gonna be here forever more
Every single promise I keep
Cuz what kind of guy would I be
If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close




just to make things clear, even though i'm moving to a "new" house, it's not actually new per se. i stayed there from k2 to p4.

Monday, April 18, 2011

i'm bored with life. very bored. keep getting bored. and it's not like i've got nothing to do, spending my life slacking away at home. but i still get the very bored feeling. anyone has got any suggestions on what to do? it's partly the reason why i dont like going home early.

though there is a lot for me to do. like start packing my room cos WE'RE GONNA START MOVING IN FOUR DAYS, AND BY NEXT FRIDAY, I'LL BE LIVING IN MY NEW HOUSE. i'm not that happy about it. i'm looking forward to my new room, and junking a lot of junk in my current room. but just thinking of the inconvenience of the new location is killing me. 15 mins walk to the nearest bus stop, and probably another 15, 20 minutes to the nearest mrt. i'm gonna have to leave my house more than half an hour earlier just to get anywhere as compared to now. argh.



anyway, had to clean up after kids that puked and peed on themselves in my last camp. i guess if all else fails, i can always work as a maid.

but really, this job is a real eye-opener. i realise how different this generation of kids are from us. these kids REFUSE to sit on grass. scared the ants crawl up their pants/skirt. and they use insect repellent as though it is baygon. spraying it on ants and mosquitoes. and all over themselves. really, the way they use insect repellent is appalling and scary. this generation of kids grow up on insect repellent. live and breathe repellent. i dont know how else to voice my shock. it's just plain disturbing. i dont know what's gonna happen when they're grown ups. hopefully the world would have ended by then.

sighs. they all wanna save wildlife, but they cant even sit on grass.




after camp, went to lim chu kang mudflat for mega marine survey. was interesting, my first time sinking quite deep in mud i think. or maybe not. i cant really remember anymore.
if you're wondering why my personal blog is on blogger and my nature blog on wordpress, it's mainly cause i've always wanted to use wordpress, but they dont allow own template or something like that. and in any case, i'm quite used to blogger already to want to move.


Photograph - Nickelback
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Joey's head?

And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I've broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times

I wonder if it's too late
Should I go back and try to graduate?
Life's better now than it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Oh oh oh
Oh God I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye

Remember the old arcade?
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hanging out
They said somebody went and burned it down

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how if feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel


Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since God knows when

Oh oh oh
Oh God I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I miss their faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it

I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
Every time I do it makes me




everytime i look at my photos, i just feel rather emo-ish. all the times that passed. really, you never quite get them back. even if it's the same people.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

finally a little breather, before camp tomorrow and rather packed weekend ahead.


i do think birthdays are overrated. i'm not one to celebrate my birthday, and my family neither. it's just, another day in life. maybe because i dont make it out to be anything special. ah wells. it was the only day in a long while that i spent more than 12 hours at home.


but i spent a very awesome morning at semakau. visited the mangrove areas where i've never been before, and saw a seahorse(: highlight of my day.
http://natureramble.wordpress.com

but i got sandfly bites again. hate them sandflies. the last time i got sandfly bites, they disappeared only after 6 months or something :(




started training for nepal trek on sunday, hike from macritchie to dairy farm. poured insanely halfway through so we headed out of bukit timah instead. while hiding in a shelter from the rain, the rest took out food to snack. there was a bag of macadamia nuts on the ground, in the middle of us. and the long-tailed macaque just dashed in, grabbed the bag and ran. spilled the nuts out on the road and there was a feeding frenzy. the whole troop swarmed upon the nuts, even in the heavy rain. think this is my first encounter where a monkey snatched a plastic bag from someone from my group. scary much.
but anyway then we proceeded to king albert park from there, for island creamery. and got a nice surprise. thanks MR chew, kim, andrew, izzat, juan, sihui, joe, alvin, si yuan! you guys are really awesome (: and to everyone else who were involved one way or other. though the rain caused some problems.



been catching up with some people, over dinners and stuff. now i realise how hard it is to maintain work-life balance. to keep in contact with all your friends. people whom you used to meet almost everyday, talk to almost everyday, are now busy with their own lives. we all say we're just an sms/phonecall/fb/skype etc away, and true, it's easier to keep in touch with friends now with all our social networking tools. but still. it's quite sad. to meet up even monthly seems hard. or maybe it's just me.


and i realise my life now is so different from previously. not just the work, but at home. i barely go online now, even when i'm on the comp. i have to remember to go online. when previously i'm online almost every night. ah wells, times change. people change.



Tonight - FM Static
I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here...

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I sing,
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight







will we still be friends, 5, 10, 20 years from now?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

some days you just feel like crawling under your blanket and staying there. today feels like one of those days. only, as always, i never do. too practical/rational to be an escapist maybe.



a few backdated posts that i have thought of but have yet to compose. they can wait for another time.







funny to see teachers giving talks on the Speak Good English Movement but are themselves, not grammatical. thank goodness i'm not an English teacher.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

havent blogged in a fairly long time i feel, been meaning to blog but been coming home so late and just didnt have the energy to blog. but i figure if i dont do it today, i dont know when i'll do it.

so i had nparks scholarship interview, about a week ago. it went quite okay i guess, wasnt very nervous or anything. there wasnt that scary feeling in the air, i think nparks went out of their way to make sure we werent feeling stressed about interview. but wells, shall just wait for news.


then after that over the weekend, went for AOWD (advanced open water diver) course in tioman. live on board boat ride from singapore there and back. it was just awesome. i love boat rides. i like the feeling of being on water, the rocky feeling, and i love the breeze. and the stars at night!! night dive was quite scary, i dont like darkness, was just sticking to my instructor the whole time like super glue but wells. i survived (: i really need to read up on fish ID though. my fish ID sucks bad. i think i'm more familiar with marine invertebrates :/ got slightly sun burnt too, though thankfully not peeling much. i miss the boat!
and i forgot to bring my camera :( :( :( the sky was so awesome, the sunset! sighs.



still havent found the time to upload pictures from wiang kaen. and i doubt i really can.






my whole life feels damn unstable, in a sense haha. moving office location, moving storeroom (office) and moving house. so i go work, gotta pack stuff start of apr, mid apr move storeroom (dont need to do packing but still!) and go home, end apr move house. sians much??? i like moving, but the thought of having to pack and unpack and all the junk i've accumulated over the past few years gotta be cleared and everything is just killing me! i dont know if i have time to pack!


been coming home late and well work starts early. i havent even really got to talk to jon in a few days, cos he's usually asleep by the time i'm back. haiz.




and when i'm not thinking of work or moving, i'm stressed over WHICH UNI TO GO. please tell me, which should i go to. boston uni, uni of edinburgh, uni of st andrews or uni of sheffield. sheffield is supposedly good for ecology, edinburgh has a high intl ranking, st andrews is near the coast and prince william/kate middleton studied there, and boston is in US. HELP ME! i barely have time to do much research on the unis and really properly decide which to go to (if i get to go overseas).




many many things to do...