In brief...

I'm a Nature-lover, aspiring conservationist, and wannabe traveller in search of outdoor adventure.
My interests vary from conservation to education to heritage to Nature (biodiversity & wildlife) to outdoor activities to life in general.
They occupy most of my waking moment.
Do read my blogs, follow me on Twitter (@jocelynesze) and friend me on Facebook (subject to my discretion). Visit my Nature blog, Nature Rambles, at http://natureramble.wordpress.com.

UPDATE 2 Apr 2017 - This site is no longer maintained, please visit jocelynesze.wordpress.com if you're interested in more recent writing.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

When the insecurities start creeping in.

The thing about studying in Cambridge is not just about the intense term, the speed of lectures, the workload and all that. Inevitably, you start wondering if you are in the right place after all, if you quite measure up, intellectually speaking, with the rest. Having been in Raffles schools since 13, I'm not unfamiliar with feeling slightly stupid most of the time, when you don't get equations just as quick as the rest, when you don't understand the concept in philo/gp/whatever that seems to come intuitively to everyone else, when you can't pick apart arguments and critically evaluate anything and everything that just comes by. There's no difference here really. And then on top of that, you're always surrounded by people who are doing a hundred and one thousand things - organising conferences, playing sports in blues teams, performing a couple of concerts a week/term, cook amazingly well etc etc etc. The list goes on.

I would never claim to be smart, or intelligent. All I have that got me this far is probably passion? And sometimes even laziness gets the better of me and I don't get out of my room the entire day. I know I'm not fat either, but reading this article, I can't help but agree with what's said - that no matter that I don't usually talk about body size that often, and I know I really shouldn't give a damn, I do think about how I shouldn't be eating that much or that I should be exercising way more. Only in my case my laziness/lack of self-discipline usually means I will never be bothered getting myself into a state of food disorder (counting calories? running everyday? too much work. Even waking up is enough of a struggle). It is such a prevalent issue in society though, one of those things that just kinda lurk under the surface.

These are all insecurities that have always been around, and usually pretty well-managed and suppressed. But once in a while, especially when you're trying to think about your future and apply for masters programmes, you start questioning yourself and your capabilities and wondering if you actually are smart/capable enough to take it on. Or if perhaps you should just settle for starting work (not that it's less challenging or difficult, but the issues faced are different).


Thankfully there are friends whom you can count on to help you cope with life. #firstworldproblems I know. Or not even, maybe just people who are blessed and don't know it. :/ Are we even allowed to complain? I know, there are worse problems out there. Food security, climate change, extinction crisis, the poor and the most vulnerable, everything. I've been attending enough talks on those, to feel almost permanently depressed about the state of things on our planet. Maybe that's why all the personal inadequacies start surfacing too.



Demons - Imagine Dragons
When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

At the curtain’s call
It's the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

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