In brief...

I'm a Nature-lover, aspiring conservationist, and wannabe traveller in search of outdoor adventure.
My interests vary from conservation to education to heritage to Nature (biodiversity & wildlife) to outdoor activities to life in general.
They occupy most of my waking moment.
Do read my blogs, follow me on Twitter (@jocelynesze) and friend me on Facebook (subject to my discretion). Visit my Nature blog, Nature Rambles, at http://natureramble.wordpress.com.

UPDATE 2 Apr 2017 - This site is no longer maintained, please visit jocelynesze.wordpress.com if you're interested in more recent writing.

Monday, April 27, 2015

Creeping doubts.

If you haven't heard about the Nepal earthquake already, you should go read up on it. My oldest cousin is married and living just south of Kathmandu with her husband; thankfully they're alright, ran out of their building when the tremors started and stayed out overnight in a tent to be safe, with just water and biscuits. There's nothing that feels more real in a natural disaster happening miles away than having a close relative actually going through it. The media reports are terrifying - children playing outside in the alleyway, when suddenly, all's there is a pile of concrete rubble. And it's not much safer outside in the mountainous regions either, with avalanches having caused at least 17 climbers' death already. It's genuinely terrifying.

I really hope aid workers can get their work done safely and quickly, that it won't become more of a humanitarian disaster than it already is just because of ineffective/inefficient aid response (disease spread, hunger etc). But Nepal is such a difficult country to navigate, the terrain is just shit, and they aren't exactly the most organised country :/ I'm really just praying and hoping, there isn't much else I can do. My cousin/her husband are trying to organise aid in their home village, and her brother's set up a crowd fund to help.


Back in safe, isolated Cambridge, my main fear/worry/concern is not my life, at least not directly, but finals. It's not terrifying me to the same extent as the Nepal quake, but I'm seriously, seriously scared I don't get the grade I want. I have never studied so hard, so single-mindedly in my whole life, ever, not even for A levels. And I just feel like I can't make that grade, it's just out of my reach. I know, I tell myself immediately after that thought appears, that I haven't even taken the exams yet, and I still have a chance of shaping the result. But it just feels like it's out of my intellectual depth, it's not a matter of how hard I study, or how much I can even cram in my head. We've reached the stage where it's not just about the content, it's about how you argue and how nuanced your arguments are. It's about drawing links between things, and critically evaluating the evidence and perhaps, everything that I should have learnt to do at A levels for General Paper but never did. Because it's beyond me. I know, and fully accept, that some things are just beyond me, like physics. And mathematics. This though. It's just writing essays. Three essays a day in three hours for four days straight. Surely that's manageable.

I try to tell myself that my grade does not define me, and I can still be a perfectly good person without that 1st (class honours, not graduating top of my class cos that's impossible), but I have given up almost everything for this grade this year.

The sun's out now and so are the flowers and leaves, but I just can't properly enjoy them.

Came across this poem in my revision and thought it was just too beautiful not to be shared.


I did manage to see a cute little baby, just born to lovely parents from Fisher House, and that did make my day a little better though.

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